


Almost gone

by PerhosLady



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-03-26 11:51:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19005238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerhosLady/pseuds/PerhosLady
Summary: ”You oaf, what kind of king have you become?” Today he had been lucky. He was almost asleep and way too drunk but he heard a familiar voice just like years ago. Thor opened his eyes and looked at his favorite memory. One year after Loki’s death he still remembered the face like yesterday. Lazily he touched the black hair, memorized too cold skin.“Soft one.” Thor whispered smiling. Caressing the cheek affectionately.--After Loki's death Thor has been seeing his brother's ghost.





	1. Thor

His brother’s presence was always silent. It sneaked into the cottage with the darkness, usually when Thor was just between awake and falling asleep. The presence mocked Thor’s sanity making him doubt the familiar and welcomed visitor. Thor had never understood what was a right amount to drink to really see his brother’s ghost and what was a way too much.  
”You oaf, what kind of king have you become?” Today he had been lucky. He was almost asleep and way too drunk but he heard a familiar voice just like years ago. Thor opened his eyes and looked at his favorite memory. One year after Loki’s death he still remembered the face like yesterday. Lazily he touched the black hair, memorized too cold skin.  
“Soft one.” Thor whispered smiling. Caressing the cheek affectionately.  
”What the hell you think you are doing?” Rude and merciless, just like that he wanted to remember his brother. There were too little honestly in this world anymore.  
”I miss you brother. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to get you back.” He cried still smiling. Why this felt so real? And still he knew that tomorrow Loki wouldn’t be here. Just him alone. Fallen king of Asgard.  
”You are pathetic. I am not yours.” And Loki leaned down closer to Thor. Ruthless words and hard kiss. Cold skin and silky hair on his hands. There were no words how much he wanted to to fall asleep like this every night. It wasn’t perfect but enough. They didn’t have sex, they never did. Thor was too pathetic for that. But passing out while holding the most precious man in the whole universe was good enough for him. 

And on the next morning he was all by himself. And when he opened a new bottle there were no hateful whispers. So he drank more. Maybe in the night he was messed enough to saw Loki again. Usually he wasn't, or maybe he was too much. Who knew?

\---

”Brother, why you are here all by yourself?” He had woken up by a mere coincidence. Nightmare was an old friend by now. After getting up shaking and sweating there was that weird feeling. It was like an old instinct to notice that he was not alone in the house. It almost surprised Thor that he still had some instincts left. Even though that someone was just a ghost from better times. 

Loki was sitting on the living room sipping a beer like a wine. He had poured it to the glass that Thor didn’t remember owning. Loki scrunched his nose after every sip. He had always hated beer. Some things didn’t change and it made Thor feel a little bit better.  
”I was tired of running but you were sleeping. I didn't know if I was welcome.” And still Loki was sitting on the chair like it was a throne of this cottage sized kingdom. And it was and memory of Loki would always be a king, always. Thor walked slowly to the chair and kneeled in front of the ghost, put his head against the sharp knee. There was that familiar smell that Loki's clothes had always had.  
”Always brother, what is mine will be also yours.” They both understood the plea that was left without saying, _Just don’t leave. Stop hiding from me._  
”What is mine will always be only mine.” Loki’s words just made Thor laugh. It had been too much time when he had laughed without lying.  
”Be as selfish as you want Loki, I still love you. I always will.” Saying truth had always been easier to Thor. What would Asgardians say if they saw their king now. Between being drunk and hang up and kneeling in front on the empty chair talking to the ghost of his brother. More than his brother. Queen, prince, companion, what would Loki want to be called for, Thor would make that true.

A cold slender hand touched his head gently. More gently than what Thor was used to.  
”Maybe we do that a little bit too much.” Thor opened his eyes to the Loki’s words. He hadn’t even noticed when he had closed them.  
”Half of the world's population is gone and even though it is slow process they will keep on living…” Loki’s green eyes had got years after death. Gone was the mischievous look that Thor had hated almost as much as loved. But he was ready to give anything to get it back because the sadness on those eyes were just wrong.  
”... but we don’t even care, because we lost each other’s. And that is the reason why we just keep being miserable.” Maybe it was just his mind talking with Loki’s face but that was when Thor really understood it. He really didn't care that Asgard was ruined. It didn’t really matter to him that half of the population had changed to the dust. There had been his friends and Thor was too tired of acting like he cared. The reason why he was miserable was because Loki was gone and he was alone. Thor took Loki’s hand to his own and leaned to kiss it.  
”Love that is hurtful, absolute and truly endless, you earn a love like that, brother. Mischievous and obsessive. I wouldn’t want to give you anything less.” His words made Loki smile even though he didn’t answer. 

On the next morning he woke up sitting on the chair. When he had gotten up to the chair he didn’t knew. Red cloth that had once been a cape was placed to warm him. On the table next to him was not a glass Loki had used. It was pathetic how he always searched traces of his dreams from reality. But there was a painkiller that he didn’t remembered of placing on the table. Maybe it was better than nothing. He should remember to thank Valkyrie later for caring even though breaking in when he had been asleep was a little bit too much. Thor drowned the pill and assured himself that if the liquid looked like water it was as good as water. That thought could have been a part of the reason why he forgot to thank Valkyrie. 

\---

That one time it was Loki who was in worse shape. He was sleeping on Thor’s bed. Bloody and exhausted. That was also part of Loki so maybe it was alright to see the other like that. His brother didn’t always survive battles without being hurt and more times than one it had been Thor who had wounded him. Yes, Thor was drunk and useless, but maybe even this one time he could help his brother

Thor went to toilet where was a few dressings for the wounds. He came back to his bedroom and sat on the bed. It was actually surprising that Thor remembered Loki wounded and not dead. He had seen his brother’s assumed death maybe a more times than surviving a battle. And usually Loki used his magic to heal the wounds so Thor had never took care of those himself. He was thankful of this madness that he had now opportunity to do this. There had been only so few moments to show his brother how much he adored even his weakness.

Loki opened his eyes when Thor cleaned the wound on the corner of his eye. There was that smug happiness that always had filled Loki when he survived from impossible situation. More than once that look had been on Loki’s face when Thor had been left yelling his name. Loki turned his head a little bit back, laughed like a maniac and looked truly beautiful.  
”So I think this is a safe place now. Ridiculous.” He should have asked what Loki meant but when the other grabbed him for kiss it really stopped to matter.

And that was the first time for the three years when they had sex. Hard and hurried kisses, it had always been a balance between hurt and gentles between them. Whispered words mixed with panting. It felt Loki could disappear any second so Thor wanted to took him quickly and hard before it was too late. But it had been so long and he had missed this so much. And Loki was wounded and Thor didn’t want to be one hurting him more.

So he opened his brother slowly and thoroughly while marking the slender legs with his teeth and lips. Licked the wounds swearing to avenge to the one who had dared to hurt what was precious to Thor. And when he entered to Loki, man smiled like he knew more than he had told to Thor.  
”You will, brother. You have and will take that revenge.” Loki panted the praises that he should ask about but not when it was more important to thrust again and again to him. Until Loki was too far away to talk and Thor was too lost to listen. Thor came inside of his brother while the lightnings filled the sky. Loki laughed and Thor’s thunder reflected from Loki’s eyes. Falling asleep on that night was the happiest Thor had been a long time.

The next day bed sheets were dirty and Thor woke up alone. Korg asked why it had been thundering last night. Thor said he had had a headache.

\---

Sometimes he wanted to forget. That was the biggest reason why he hide on his cottage and kept wasting his life. And it didn't matter how good it felt to lose his sanity Thor knew it wasn’t healthy. And how big part of his life the ghost of his brother had become was maddening. So time to time he tried to set boundaries.  
”Get back to Hel where you came from. Out, out of here you mean spirit.” There were no thunder because he didn't really mean it. Of course Loki was in Valhalla with mother and father. He earned the peace.  
”If you really want it, brother.” Usually Loki didn’t obey but he was ready to leave anytime. And one second he was there and then Thor was truly alone. 

Those were the days when he broke everything, yelled, acted like a pure lunatic. His friends usually tried to come and help. They were confused and pitied him.  
”Who is truly gone now? It has been years, Thor. Loki died a long time ago.” Sometimes he let the others hug him, sometimes he throw them away. Every single night he drank too much and asked to be left alone. When there was only silence and defeat, Thor raised his arms. Sign of retreat once again.  
”Sorry brother. Please come back to me.” His whisper wasn’t honorable or filled with fight. But every single time beautiful picture came back with amused smile.  
”Did you mourn for me, brother?” Loki always played to win and when Thor asked him back it was a without doubt Thor’s defeat. And Thor was too tired and relieved to care.  
“Every single minute after your death has been a misery.” Loki tasted alive and Thor thanked his insanity. 

At nights like that Thor didn’t have courage to let Loki away from his eyes. He was not ready to be alone, not even so long after being that. So he tried to stay awake as long as possible. And still on the next day sleep had won at some point and took Loki away.

\---

“If he didn’t lie to me it will not be long until they come to get you.” Loki was once again entered to house silently. He had laid to Thor’s bed like on owner, spoiled cat waiting to be adored. Sweet and poisonous words again. Why Loki couldn’t be silent. Thor collected Loki on his arms, enjoyed the familiar smell of home. Loki laying on top of him felt safe. Just like today, he wasn’t really sure what Loki was talking about and he had stopped asking. Loki wouldn’t tell him anyway.  
“They will not find me. Thor they once knew, he is dead.” There had been a time when he had been arrogant. Nowadays he was only pathetic.

Loki leaned away from him. He raised to sat on Thor’s stomach. It felt too soft under his brother’s weight. But Loki looked strong and wicked as always.  
“They will come and find you. And you will follow them. Do it for me, brother.” Loki’s tongue was worth of it’s fame. Silvery and sweet. When Thor got so addicted of that? Maybe centuries ago.  
“They have forgotten that I always grab the chance.” Loki smiled that smug smile that Thor loved. People always had believed too much from Thor and way too little from Loki. Thor had always believed in his brother. Both his goodness as his madness.  
“I have become soft, brother. More ways than one.” Thor hated his bad shape and lack of muscles. But the real shame was that his head was softer than pudding. But Loki just smiled at him like he knew something.  
“After I don’t need to run anymore, I will mold you again. In every single way. But right now, believe that you are enough to give me the chance.” Thor didn’t knew why Loki needed to run. But it didn't matter, because he really didn’t believe his words anyway. His brother was famous of his lies.

Banner and Rabbit came two days after that. Thor wanted to believe that it was just an accident. Loki’s ghost couldn’t have known. And he followed them because he really didn’t have reason not to. On the next day he saw only so quickly Loki’s smug smile while the ghost stood in the corner. It was just a second and then blue light swallowed his brother without anyone noticing. But still it felt like he was once again falling for Loki’s tricks. And he had stopped caring a long time ago. 

\---

It was a war again. Time for a great fights and heroic moves. And Thor felt like he was just a little boy on his mother’s arms. Familiar smell and feeling of being safe. He didn’t want to leave. Could he take his mother and brother from here? But Frigga’s smile was sad and she shake her head.  
“It could maybe even success, my son, but you are not the first one here. And he was as lonely as you.” Thor had always been son of his father. But these moments he remembered that Loki had always adored Frigga. She spoke like she knew something more but didn’t tell Thor anything.  
“Go son, safe the world.” Thor left with the infinity stone and Mjolnir. It didn’t feel enough.

After that happened a lot with a quick tempo. Maybe he should have asked more how everything went but it didn’t had felt meaningful at that time.

\---

Guardians took him with them like a lost son. And it felt like he had found a family. They were looking for a Gamora, green lady that Quill liked. There was a mission and reason. And there was once again reason to stay sober. Thor had started to exercise. He wouldn’t be as good shape as before a long time, maybe never but his team needed a best from him. And maybe there would be a time when Thor would be so good condition that he wouldn’t see his brother’s ghost anymore. But it wouldn’t be today.  
“Doctor told me that my last words for you were ‘The sun will shine on us again brother’. Maybe I meant this.” Loki talked easily like they were watching rising sun or something. Not like Thor was doing push ups on the space ship while some kind of weird light had just cast a shine on inside. And absolutely not like he was laying on Thor’s back being ridiculously heavy. Where had went the legend that ghost were weightless?

“Hey big guy, I don’t know what the fuck that light thing is but usually they are not friendly. So time to rise and shine and…” Rabbit came without knocking to Thor’s room and stopped to look him like there were something weird. Thor got up and Loki got on his feet like some kind of cat even though he had tried to shake him of his back with a little bit violence.  
“Aya, I'm ready.” Thor raised his hand and storm breaker fly to it. 

“If you take that, can I take the Mjolnir? I think I have become worthy.” Loki danced around the hammer and almost touched it. Smile on his lips was filled with mischievous and that was the reason why Thor was sure that Loki would fight only with daggers and magic. And without a surprise when Loki tried to raise the hammer the weapon stayed like nailed on the table.  
“Well I think Tesseract needs to be enough.” Loki sight with a great frustration. And Thor was ready to ask what in Norns name that meant but he was interrupted.  
“Hey, hey, hey big guy. Who the fuck is that and how the hell he got in?” The Rabbit looked at Loki. Like he saw the ghost. And Loki smiled sweetly and innocently.  
“How you wanna address me, Thor? Am I your brother, mate, occasional enemy? Oh dear, all these years and we have never had this talk.” There was a huge crash and the spaceship felt trembling. Somewhere they heard Quill’s scream. They really didn’t have time for this. But this was real. Rabbit also saw Loki. He could ask later how, and when and what had happened but there was a possibility that Loki was truly here later.

He took a tight grip from his brother's neck and kissed him like he deserved. Half lovely, half punishing.  
“This is Loki, my everything. Please don’t let him die. He has an irritating habit of doing that.” And Thor turned and walked to the fight like he had already won. He heard just a barely Loki’s complaint.  
“Oh please brother, at least I usually come back. One way or another.” And that seemed true. And before he would make Loki explain that was enough.


	2. Loki

Tesseract fell to his feet like a gift from the gods and for a moment Loki felt petrified. Could this really be true? But always when Loki got a chance he took it. The cube felt cold and familiar in his hands. It was like an old friend, a possibility for a new start. Portal swallowed him and the rush of adrenaline from an unlikely escape filled him. Loki didn't knew where he was and couldn’t care less. Under his gag the laughter sounded horrifying even at his own ears and once again Loki made peace with his own madness. Something wrong couldn’t feel this right.

\---

He teleported from place to place without stopping, enjoying the intoxicating feeling of being free. He was chained, gagged and hated but honestly free. Until a woman stopped him.

It wasn’t his own magic that made a gag fall and chains break. But it was a chance so Loki didn't complain. He had so few friends so maybe it didn't matter to get a new one. Even thought this would end in betrayal it didn’t matter. All Loki’s friendships were destined to end that way even though it was usually Loki who committed the sin.

He turned and there was a woman having a really ugly ropes. Bald head and strong eyes. Rightful eyes, unlikely friend to Loki.  
”Loki of Jotunheim, not yet Loki of Asgard. You don’t belong on this timeline.” Woman smiled. She looked more curious than angry even though the words were hostile. She came closer and raised her hand to Loki’s cheek. Loki didn't understood why he didn't flinch away.  
”I believe, no actually I’m sure that there is no timeline for you. Really you are worth of your fame, god of mischief.” Loki had always preferred knowledge over a brute physical power. Woman felt like she was a master of both even though her tiny figure. Only a human but so confident, her boldness was something to admire and despise.  
“What a mortal like you know about me?” Finding the anger and bitterness was as easy as ever. If there was something he could trust at himself it was his horrible nature.  
“Everything.” Woman’s smile was as mischievous as Loki’s mother’s. Frigga’s not his real mother, it still took time to assure himself that she was actually nothing to Loki. That familiar smile shouldn’t have been calming but for Loki it was as affectionate as his not mother’s hug. Mischief was something Loki had always cherished.  
“With that stone you can travel between the universes. But remember, as long as you visit one you are part of it. We won’t let you shatter anything... " Woman’s voice was calm and collected. It irritated him.  
“Was that threat? How does a lowly human dare to…” Loki was ready to strike a life out from that woman but as soon as he attacked there was a yellow light and Loki was on the other side of the room. Witchery, when it wasn’t Loki’s own it was greatly infuriating.  
“Don’t interrupt me Loki of Jotunheim. What I was saying, we won’t let you shatter any universes. That stone that you carry with you, it doesn’t belong anywhere. There will be enemies that want it and if you let them get it…” Woman let her sentence to fade into the silence. Loki knew himself way too well what would happen if someone like Thanos would get the stone. He wouldn’t let it happen. There were too big possibility that he would be on the losing half’s side. But the reason why woman actually let him play with the Tesseract was actually smart and obvious. 

When Loki didn’t require attention he was perfect at hiding. Strong with his magic and unpredictable with his wits. Loki knew that he was a strong enemy and difficult ally to work with, but with a common motive he was woman’s best change to keep the stone hidden. Her necklace was beautiful. How dangerous it was to have a place in history where two stones would be in the same place. Even this moment was dangerous and here was a woman and Loki both. If Loki would leave, the woman was responsible for the two stones.  
“Even if that would be hard, we can destroy those stones. Live Loki of Jotunheim, run and find a place to stay. And if you get tired of running, remember we can always took the responsibility from your shoulders.” It was both warning and praise. Loki was only one who she let to keep the stone. If he wouldn’t they would destroy it, it really shouldn’t exist anyway. It was difficult to believe that there would come a time when he would seek to get rid of the Tesseract. It was like a wasted chance. 

He didn’t answer the woman. The blue light from Tesseract changed him to the other timeline and maybe that act was an answer by itself. 

\--

There were timelines when Loki was a king of Jotunheim. For some of them he married Thor and united two rival realms. Usually they were in war. Neither of those timelines interested him. Those were so far away from the memories Loki remembered that the acts of the former friends and enemies felt like work of strangers. More time than he liked to accept he traveled in the timelines that could have been his. The ill nature of his wanted the attention that he was used to get. Sick and obsessed love that he remembered in the betrayed eyes of his not-brother. He missed the kisses that felt as wrong as they were good. Fights beside a brother who he had not anymore.

Loki wasn’t sure what was the timeline he had been separated from but there were some that felt almost too familiar. Familiar felt good, it was something he could shatter. He knew how to break the good things almost without doing anything. So it was not a wonder that even though he usually was hiding from his brothers eyes, it wasn't a rarity for him to seek Thor's company. Loki knew that there would be consequences if he destroyed a timeline. It was always dancing between what felt right and what felt safe. Sometimes it was something utterly else. Chaos was beautiful. And as far as he didn’t play too loudly, didn’t bend rules too much the woman didn’t interfere.

Loki once visited the timeline where he didn’t exist. It was such a beautiful world. Thor had married lady Sif and they had two golden children. It was so perfect. It felt such a satisfying thing to destroy. All he needed to do was to smile to Thor and tempt him to break all his precious morals. After 15 minutes of talk, lies and sweet mysteries, Loki knew that every version of his obvious brother was weak against Loki’s nature. 

Against the wall Loki surrendered to the hard kiss knowing that it would always be Thor who would loose. He laughed under the dry lips and Thor kissed him harder. Maybe he tried to silence the madness that made him break all the promises he had made to his wife. It wouldn’t work. Loki was the one that made him fall in every timeline. It didn’t matter who Thor chose it was and would always be Loki. His madness, his silver tongue and wicked nature. 

Loki made sure that the queen of Asgard found him in the embrace of his husband. He knew that he couldn’t stay but he needed to make the woman understand that if there would be any version of Loki, there wouldn’t be queen of Asgard. Only the second place. The Tesseract burned like a fire in his pocket and it was a matter of time until someone noticed it. Until someone wanted it. But even after his flee Loki was satisfied. Sif could never again really trust his husband. Loki would always be the one Thor thought while embracing his wife. Now that timeline felt perfect. 

The strange woman had changed to the irritating man, as strange as his name. He said that Loki had tainted this timeline. Loki had laughed. No remorse, now this timeline was how it should have been all along. He also could see from the man that it didn’t really matter. This timeline was not special. Doctor Strange asked him if this was the timeline Loki wanted to stay. It was a stupid question. Loki would always choose the Tesseract. He couldn’t deny that this timeline possessed that wicked affection that Loki was used to get but was that really worth losing power? Was there even something that was worth enough to abandon the infinity stone? Thor’s confused love, Sif’s disgust, nothing was enough for him. Power was something that made Loki who he was. He kept running from timelines to another.

The next time when he visited that timeline, Hela had destroyed the Asgard. There had been no survivors. There was no Thor anymore. Loki didn’t cry or regret leaving but he visited the Midgard’s graveyard. It was such a nice tradition that they had also a place to remember the ones that were not buried there. 

After that the wizard started to call him Loki of Asgard. Maybe it was some kind of sick joke. There was no Asgard anymore. There should have never been Loki. 

\---

“Where are you taking me, wizard?” Doctor Strange had become insufferable after the fall of Asgard. There were no timelines anymore where Asgard was still whole. There was no timeline where Hela didn’t bring the Ragnarök. Doctor somehow thought that it had affected to Loki. Like he needed help or friend. The man knew that he was as irritating as Loki himself and that really shouldn’t have been reason to get along. And it really wasn’t. Loki didn’t need him. He didn’t need family or friends. Loki was so tired of heroes. Heroes died. Everyone died.  
“You know, Loki of Asgard, son of Odin and Frigga, that there are timelines where a small amount of Asgardians survived.” Loki knew that. 

The space ship situation was an idiotic attempt. It was very typical style for his brother. In its craziness Loki was sure that some attempts even worked even though he hadn’t seen it himself yet. He couldn’t travel in time. Tesseract wasn’t suitable for it. Sometimes situations just happened in a different order or slower in different timelines. Sometimes faster when the circumstances were suitable. It made easier to predict things that would likely happen in some timelines. It had made possible for Loki to meet his mother once again before her death. 

He had broken his heart that time but did that matter? Loki had always been masochist. He had listened to the scolding when Loki tried to call his mother as Frigga and deny her motherhood. He had broken to tears for the first time in years in her embrace and plead forgiveness. She had hold Loki’s face and smiled patiently.  
“You, my son, need to forgive yourself. How much pain and loneliness you plan to carry before you decide that you have tortured yourself enough?” At that time they both knew that Loki needed to be stopped. He wouldn’t do it himself, never had and never will.  
“I promise you my son, the sun will shine for you again. If you need to be miserable and lonely until then, so be it. But by the Norns, you will find the peace.” Frigga had been so sure. Beautiful and loving. She had always been perfect in Loki’s eyes.  
“Maybe in death.” Loki had said defeated. Those would be his last words to his mother. He wouldn’t stay in this timeline watching once again her mother’s murder when she didn’t let him to save her.

Loki never promised to see her at Valhalla. It was highly unlikely that his final resting place wouldn’t be Hel. He had let the Tesseract take him away when the doors opened. He wouldn’t stay to see if it would be murderers of his mother. He had seen that scene too many times. After that it was bitter acceptance that maybe, just maybe, he could be the son of Odin and Frigga. 

“There are many timelines which can surprise me. This one has huge potential but here is one person who I can’t see finding any possibility of a good future. And it all started at this point in time. I have rewatched this moment of time so many times but I really can’t understand...why.” Stephen’s voice brought Loki back to this time and place. His brother’s head was almost crushed by Thanos' huge hand. Totally helpless. Loki knew that they didn’t belong to interrupt this moment of time, so he didn’t even bother to hide. It didn’t matter if he touched or talked at people. Wizard wouldn’t let him change this timeline even if he tried to. 

First Loki thought that this was once again one timeline when he would see Thanos murder his brother. He looked the disappointment on Thor’s eyes when once again one version of him had chosen Tesseract over loyalty. Still it wasn't the same. He gave the Tesseract to Thanos without a fight. Didn’t Thor see how much he cherished him? That version of him gave the power just for a chance that maybe just maybe Thor could survive. He had noticed that Thor was weak against Loki in every timeline but it was a bitter truth that Loki had weakness of his own. Every single version of him, sane and insane, every Loki he had ever seen, cherished Thor too much. He listened to the pathetic lies of his own. The sun would never shine on them. They wouldn’t survive from this. If Stephen gave him opportunity to once again farewell his brother, any version of him, who he was not to grab the chance?

Loki knelt in front of Thor, now bound and gagged. So easy to kill but there was no fear in his eyes. He would die like a soldier he was. Nobody could see Loki and that gave him a little bit of freedom. Wizard wouldn’t mention this later. It was a pact between the two of them. Two who had no space in time could once in a while be weak without the other noticing. It worked as long as there were moments of weakness from both sides and...and their pact worked. 

The time went slower, Loki noticed that. Just a little gift from Stephen that Loki gladly take. He memorized the bloody face and short hair. Loki had lost count how many timelines Thor had died but this was maybe third which he saw the other’s hair short.There was a metallic gag and Loki couldn’t remove it. Maybe that was a blessing. This way this memory wouldn’t hurt him so much. Loki kissed the cold metal, let his fingers find the short strands. When he backed of Thor was still in position without feeling anything. Loki didn’t know if he hated it or was grateful for Stephen from that.  
“Travel safely to Valhalla, my brother.” He whispered and got up. Loki brushed the dirt from his knees and looked at Strange. Challenged him to say something. Man didn’t, just made a gesture in his hand and time started to flow at the normal pace. The story didn’t went like had predicted. 

Loki looked at himself giving his own life to Thanos almost with the silver trait. He knew that head had been the weak point but with only a small dagger...that had been a desperate idea. Practically a suicide. No, the reality was way more cruel. It had been a suicide. Loki had met that version of himself before. 

It had been soon after Frigga was murdered. He wanted to meet himself once he had been lowest. Loki knew that the version of himself was too bitter for Thor to show how much misery there was. They had met only shortly, changed only a few sentences. There hadn't been much time and they understood each other without words. The tears were shed while the other Loki destroyed the room. Soon he had fallen beside him and talked about life that sounded wasted. Frigga’s visit that would never happen again, Thor’s visit that kept happening even though Loki made those insufferable. The other Loki was more spoiled in his imprisonment than he was on the run. 

“Mother always loved me. Did she know that I knew? Did she knew I loved her too? And Thor, it doesn’t matter how much chaos I create, he still loves me. I fear that dedication. I’m not worthy of it. It should have been me. It would have been a blessing to die instead of mother. Actually more times than not I long for death.” There was no version of Loki who didn’t hate himself.  
“You have a place in time. You will survive. Even if you don't want to.”He had assured at himself. This Loki had Thor. He knew that it was enough.  
“There will come a place where you fit, traveler. When the chance comes, just grab it.” Loki hadn’t believed the lie that came the other’s mouth but he had accepted the offer. Loki always grabbed the chance.

This Loki whose neck cracked against Thanos’ strong hold, it was the same one who had cried in his golden prison. That Loki was greedy and spoiled but nobody couldn’t ever say that he was selfish. Other Loki looked at him when he lied the last time. He was so tired, maybe a little bit resentful but not scared. This was a sacrifice, one the other Loki had planned. This was madness, suicide to make a place in time. The other was a fool. Yes, he knew about him, but why would he be any better than Loki who had just sacrificed himself? Maybe this timeline was just like the other. Better without Loki altogether. 

“I don’t have the answers you want, wizard. Maybe Thor’s idiocy was infectious.” Loki let the Tesseract take him away from the possibility. The first and only time when the chance did scare him more than tempt. This war wasn’t for him, this timeline was dangerous. 

\---

After that started the difficult times. Timeline after timeline fell in front of Thanos. Infinity stones destroyed so many souls. Some timelines had rumors about infinity stone that didn’t belong anywhere and Loki learnt to run. Sometimes avengers wanted an extra stone against Thanos, usually Thanos was his enemy. 

Once again he ran to the different timeline to get even a few days of rest. This timeline had progressed faster than many. Half of the universe had already gone. Maybe it was something sentimental in himself, maybe it was only coincidence but Loki found himself in the village named as New Asgard. It didn’t feel like home. Like it was a joke to compare this pathetic place to the golden kingdom. But he needed familiarity even if it came only by it's name. And there was also a chance that the name was given by Thor. Any of them would be enough. Loki was so tired and lonely and he just needed to see any version of Thor. 

It was easy to find the king’s disgusting castle. It was a little house that smelled like alcohol and sweat. On the bed lay the king that Loki almost couldn't recognize. The muscles had melted and the beard was full of breadcrumbs. Still under all those changes was a Thor that was the only person capable of loving Loki. 

Loki promised himself that only this one time he would give his weakness and loneliness permission to bloom. Loki sat down to the bed, touched too soft cheek. When had Thor lost his eye? Did he himself understood how much he looked like allfather? It was not a surprise when Thor woke up. Loki waited for his reaction, pure hate or panic. Maybe Thor would try to kill him. Would Loki let him? It was scary that he wasn’t sure. 

One thing that Loki didn’t wait for was the smile and tears of happiness. Thor pulled Loki against his too soft chest and repeated his name again and again. And only for a moment, Loki relaxed. He felt too loved and those feelings were all lies.  
“You oaf, I’m not yours.” He didn’t want to tell Thor, but Thor had earned the truth even once in his life. The truth luckily didn’t make Thor back off. Maybe the other didn’t understood and that suited for Loki. He wanted to enjoy even a moment the hands in his hair and desperate kisses in his hairline and cheeks. Thor seemed too scared to kiss him on the mouth but that was alright. He wasn't ready to remember how the real kiss felt. 

Thor whispered to him how much he had missed Loki. How this insanity was a blessing from the Norns. He kept Loki only a hallucination and that was also fine. Loki didn’t plan to come back after this night. He recognized this Thor. This was a timeline where the other Loki had made a place. And what good he had done by that? Only Loki could make the king of Asgard lose his sanity. Strange had been right, there was no good future for this Thor. So maybe it was merciful to give Thor a one peaceful night.

He fell asleep on his brothers embrace and felt like he was once again home. Disgusting, smelly version of his home. Loki woke up a few hours later when Thor ran to the toilet to throw up. Loki summoned the Tesseract. It was time to go. If anyone would find him here, this Thor wasn’t ready for the fight. 

\--

First it was an accident, then a pathetic act of weakness but too soon it started to become a habit. Loki became dead tired of running and sneaked Thor’s cottage in the middle of the night. Man thought that he was seeing hallucinations and talked to Loki with an honest heart. 

“I need you Loki. Look at me, I’m pathetic. I should be a king, worth of my people.” Thor was laying on the bathtub while Loki washed his once again long hair. This was not a typical from Loki, he didn’t plan to serve Thor, never. But Thor needed a bath and he said that he wouldn’t let Loki away from his eyes. Not this time. Loki knew that he could escape but now he humored his brother. The price was worth it. His brother would look like an Asgardian even for a moment. Loki kept lying to himself that the need to touch the other wasn’t there. 

Loki framed Thor’s face with his soapy hands and tilted his head back. Thor maybe had only one eye but it was as blue a s ever.  
“You don’t need to be king worth of your people. Only worth of me. And look at me, my king, I’m here right beside you.” He kissed the mouth and the angle was uncomfortable. Thor tasted like soap and alcohol and still Loki understood that he hadn’t lied. Thor was more than worthy for him.He didn’t want to leave even though it was obvious that the next morning he wouldn’t be here. 

Thor looked at him like Loki mattered. He tried to avoid the stare and kept washing his brother. Irrelevant acts of feelings were Thor’s style. This kind of behavior was against his nature. But still after the bath when Thor pulled him against his chest and kissed him like a lifetime ago, he couldn’t resist. In the morning Loki was mad at himself. It shouldn’t have been hard to leave. Loki had always been good at it.

\---

The first time they had sex was after the fight against Thanos. It hadn’t been a fight. Thanos had found him, Loki had survived and fled. The adrenaline was high and he had been relieved. Being alive had for once felt like a blessing. But the first time had only been an act of the situation. Feeling that he was safe, happy and almost insane like years ago. If somebody asked at Loki the second time was scarier to him. 

Once again he was tired of running and Thor was drunk. Thor was sitting on living room’s chair when he came, drinking beer and watching television. It was 4 am and there was only advertisement coming on. Loki walked to the Thor like it was natural. Sat on his lap like he had a right and kissed his brother like a husband should. Thor dropped the bottle to the floor and beer wet the carpet. Loki couldn’t care less because Thor’s hands grabbed his hips.  
“I’m more interesting than that shit.” Loki spat the words aggressively like television, a bottle of beer and that dirty cottage could be an enemy to him.  
“Always, my love. Always.” Thor assured and started marking Loki’s throat. Loki could feel the thunder running against his back. He couldn’t himself mark Thor, hallucinations didn’t do that. Still he knew that he would be happy to see the bruises at the mirror tomorrow.

Sex felt like they were a married couple. Loki had all the time until morning to remember what made Thor crazy. Learn how his body had changed and how much power it still possessed. Thor seemed to remember how Loki enjoyed to be treated after all this time. How he melted when Thor assured how perfect he was and at the same time how good it felt to be thrown to the dirty couch and be owned. Enjoy the awe in his brother’s eye at the same time when he licked Loki open without asking. Thor was the only one who could break him while making Loki enjoy his downfall.

For a moment Loki forgot the run, Tesseract and loneliness. There was his brother’s strong figure between his legs thrusting inside of him violently and praises on his lips while he kept kissing on Loki. It felt good and right and Loki didn’t want this moment ever stop. He came screaming his brother’s name without any restraints and Thor came inside of him panting his name like a plea. He fell asleep under his brother and felt for once like he was truly safe.

The scary part of it was that it was the first time for so long if ever, when Loki started to wonder, should he stay. Giving up on a Tesseract had once felt impossibility but now it was a tempting choice. There were many timelines where there was no danger anymore. Thanos was gone and people thought that all the infinity stones were destroyed. Still this was the timeline Loki sneaked in more times than not. 

When he saw doctor, the other told him that soon people would look for Thor. This timeline had a huge potential. It was such a shame, Loki had been sure that there wouldn't be war anymore. But maybe Thor needed it to really get his self worth back. He would become a hero again like he should. The thing that upset Loki was the fact that heroes died. He didn't gave the Tesseract to the wizard. 

\---

It was weird to look from outside how the Avengers messed with his own timeline. They were the ones who he could blame that he was an oddity without time and place. Maybe they deserved gratitude but Loki wouldn’t give it to them. Yes, they gave him a chance and he took it. That's it, it wasn’t even meant to happen. Pure accident. Thor could thank them when he would get to know. The thing that was almost funny was that Thor seemed reluctant to get the information. 

”Did you ask them how their missions went?” Loki asked it while he shaved Thor. Loki could accept that Thor’s figure wouldn't ever be as muscular as before but the beard was too much. He hated how much it made Thor look like Odin. Loki accepted that he had many issues but when he fucked Thor he fucked his brother, not father.  
“Why would I have? We succeeded and people were so emotional at the time.” It was almost smart from Thor. How unlikely. They had been living on with the guardians now a week and Loki was waiting when they would notice that he was also in the ship. It was only a matter of time when Thor would understood that he was real.  
“Would you love me, brother, if I would have lied who I am? Your Loki is dead, brother.” Loki washed the extra foam away from the familiar face. Still a little chubby but there was the same smile that made Loki feel as if there have never been a war. Under that disgusting beard had been hiding a brother Loki remembered. Thor raised his hand and stroked Loki’s neck. There were still bruises from the night before.  
“Lies and selfishness are part of you, brother. The only one I have ever loved truly is Loki and I don’t care what madness you are made of. Please, don't leave me again, brother.” It was only a pathetic plea. But for now he would stay. It was scary but it started to look like he was too weak to leave all together. But he was not ready to abandon the Tesseract.

\---

Burying feelings to the alcohol was an illness, that was what the mortals said. Loki had never been a mortal.  
“Weakness...your acts are just a pathetic doings of the weak man.” Loki spit his words to the drunken man. Thor, his golden king was crying.  
“I’m so sorry, Loki. I just...I can’t survive without you.” The tears fell on his cheeks and reddish nose was filled with snot.  
“You fucking retarded idiot. Your kind of man could have never become a king.” Lies, lies, all lies and Loki knew it even in a fit of fury. He was just so tired of seeing Thor wasting his life. He knew that fighting against the obsession was not made for a weak mind but even though he had sometimes despised his brother, Thor’s mind had never been weak.  
“I don’t know if you have noticed it, brother dear…” Loki smiled at Thor, stepped closer like a lover he usually was and touched the wet cheek gently. Until the touch was not gentle any more. It was nails, blood and frustration.  
“I’m here. Stop using me as your excuse.” He let Thor go. Man just cried, he had nothing to say against the truth.  
“For now, I will only visit you if you are sober. If we will not meet anymore, farewell brother.” Loki didn’t leave hurriedly. He was too masochistic for that. He just vanished from the eyes. Sat on the floor watching how his drunken brother destroyed the room and yelled at his name. He looked at Mantis who cried maybe more than Thor, guardians who couldn’t understand. 

His brother shake in the bed when the alcohol left from his body. He whispered Loki’s name. Maybe even sometimes saw a real hallucination. But Loki had made an oath and he was sure to obey it. He left his brother in his misery. Some demons were meant to be fought alone. 

Next time when Thor called him with a strong and familiar voice, there was not a drop of alcohol in his system. Loki was sure that Thor believed that he wouldn’t come. Just a drunken illusion. Maybe that was why Thor hugged him tight, almost too tight.  
“I thought that I lost you, brother.” Thor’s voice was a permission to lean more to the broad chest.  
“You have done it so many times. But I always come back.” Loki whispered. It was scary how good it felt. 

Thor would drink again and then Loki would flee. He would listen the slurred pleas with a cold heart. But as surely as Thor gave up under the pressure of the memories he also sobered. That was the only way for him to see his brother again.

Loki was so pleased that Thor’s obsession for him was greater than his dependence of the bottle. 

\---

“You don't usually call me, Loki of Asgard.” Stephen was curious, Loki noticed even though the man tried to hide it.  
“I usually don’t need you, wizard.” His answer was dry. Even though this conversation was necessary and he knew that this was what he wanted, it didn’t mean that it was easy.  
“So what you need from me?” Stephen’s voice was tired. Man had gotten older in front of Loki’s eyes. He sounded almost as tired as Loki had sometimes felt. 

At some point of time Loki had started trusting at Stephen. The man was irritating and arrogant, sometimes impossible to work with. But Stephen knew how it felt being lonely and knowing too much. He had no one to help, no one to open the bitterness of a cold heart and dark memories. If Loki was one of the most trusted allies he had, his situation was actually terrible. Loki felt sad for the wizard but at the same time he felt relieved that after all these years his situation wasn’t similar.

Loki hoped that there would be a way for his former self to see this moment. He presented his hand to Stephen and summoned the infinity stone on it. It shined as powerful as always. And after all these years the power was intoxicating. It sang a tempting voice and it would have been an easy option to just summon a portal and flee once again. If Thor was obsessed with an alcohol maybe Loki had addictions of his own. 

That thought was a final push to give a cube to wizard. In the nearby store was a fool who wanted to buy a meaningless jewelry to the hallucination and that thought was enough altogether to make Loki think clear again.  
“I came to find peace.” 

\---  
“Brother, you are here. You are really here.” Thor’s kisses were sloppy and his hands on Loki’s hips pressed too tightly. They were both bloody and Loki wasn’t even sure what kind of specie had a golden blood. It smelled terrible and this whole situation should have been disgusting.  
“I have been here a long time, brother.” It wasn’t disgusting. It felt like he had come home after being on the run for too long. Thor’s tight hug and familiar scent felt...like a place in timeline.  
“You oaf, I’m not yours.” Loki tried to sound like he meant it.  
“I don’t care, Loki. I’m yours.” Thor speak only because he didn’t understand. Maybe somewhere in his obliviousness actually had some truth. Maybe, just maybe, this broken lonely Thor could be his. 

That night guardians let them be together. Loki could still hear how they whispered together in the next room. Words about incest, Loki’s questionable fame, his death...too many worries. He was happy that they let them be a little while. Loki was tired of complicated questions.

“How, Loki?” Thor had always been a simple man and Loki had always been a difficult person. Thor asked only with one simple word and Loki needed to explain over a decade. It was such a short time in their life but for Loki it had felt like a lifetime. He promised to tell everything to his brother but the price of silence. Thor couldn’t tell this story to anyone and couldn’t say a word while he told it. Thor accepted the terms without bargaining. Of course Loki lied. He wouldn’t ever tell everything, without some secrets left he wouldn’t be who he was. But it was kind of scary to notice that he wanted to tell some truths that weren’t easy

He told Thor how he ran without destination or home. Loki told Thor how loneliness molded his hatred and bitterness to tiredness. With Tesseract there had not been a possibility to rest anywhere else than a stinking cottage in the New Asgard. Finding him hadn’t been a coincidence but that fact he wanted to keep secret. Stephen had thought that this Thor was the one at all the timelines that had no possibility to be happy, one that needed his brother more than any other version of him. Maybe he kept that secret because he wanted to deny that this Thor was the most pathetic version of himself. He had chosen to stay beside the weakest Thor in all the universes. It was his decision that he didn’t regret, but his brother’s self hate was already strong. Loki didn’t want to weaken it more. He had promised to mold his brother back to glory. Maybe he would tell that story to someday.

He told Thor how he got tired of being hunted. Infinity stone was a pure power and tempting also for other people besides Loki. Everyone wanted to hurt him, and all Loki wanted was to sleep next to fallen king. It had happened carefully. Loki had fallen in love with his brother for the first time when he had been arrogant and dumb. He had kissed his Thor first time while holding daggers and the thunder had hurt his lips. All the Thor’s he had fallen had been strong and glorious. This Thor was the first he had seen beaten. First whose weakness he learnt to love as much as his strength.

Love, loyalty, strength under the self hate. Loki hadn't first noticed that also this Thor possessed those. First he had only been curious what had made his golden king to fall. How the arrogant and glorious fighter had changed to be a pathetic drunk. How in the Norn’s name Thor could have become lonely?  
“When I noticed how big part of your fall I was, I actually laughed, brother. You have no clue how pleased I was.” Loki had always kept secrets but never hide the hurtful truths. Why to change his ways now. He knew himself that this was a way to sabotage himself. This story was a way to ask for permission and if Thor couldn’t accept the misery and chaos that Loki would undoubtedly bring on, he was not ready to stay. 

Stephen hadn't accept the Tesseract. He still had a possibility to run. 

“I have always been good at leaving, Thor. You have no obligations. This was only a one lie more. I’m not yours.” Loki needed only one word, one denial and he was ready to leave this timeline. He turned to look at Thor. He had accepted the strong arms around himself and told the story to Thor’s chest. It was scary really to look at Thor. 

He saw some acceptance and sadness at Thor’s eyes. This was the first time when his brother would accept Thanos’ words to be the truth. No resurrections this time. Thor wouldn’t ever get back the Loki who had fought against the Ragnarök with him. The first Loki who he had fallen madly in love and kissed him in the prison of Asgard, that Loki was as dead as he had been years ago. But he, the Loki without timeline, he was here. Maybe someday Thor would understand that his Loki made a suicide to make room for him. Hopefully he never would get to know. 

Thor raised his hand and took hold of Loki’s neck. The pressure and gentleness of the touch was something familiar and bittersweet. This kind of touch belonged to the dead Loki.  
“You sneaked beside me to that filthy bed, Loki. You kissed me like I mattered. You scolded me when I needed it and screamed at me when I didn’t listen to other ways. You chose my house your safe place and let me bandage your wounds. You left when I needed to be alone.” Yes, there was a sadness on Thor’s eyes but there was also thunder. Loki had missed that rage.  
“You are not the Loki I once loved. I will always love that Loki. But I also swear that I will love you until my time comes to travel to Valhalla. For the Norns how you can even think that you are not mine, Loki?” Thor screamed at him and Loki felt the thunder roaring against his skin. 

The kiss was strong and angry. How he had once thought that this man was soft? He didn’t answer his brother. He let Thor prove his claim with his hands and mouth. He laughed like a maniac again but maybe that was suitable. This was chance, timeline and home. There was no reason to not grab it. This Thor loved him. 

\--

At that night Thor slept satisfied while Loki waited. He knew that they were not alone. When Stephen appeared maybe Loki should have felt ashamed. He was laying naked beside his also very naked brother. Thor’s hands were wrapped around his hips like those could assure that Loki wouldn't run away. He was snoring loudly against Loki’s neck and the breath felt hot against his skin. He smiled at Stephen like a winner.  
“So isn’t this the person you couldn’t see a good future, wizard?” Loki knew that Thor was deeply at sleep but he still whispered the words. Stephen looked at him like he was a troublesome. It felt familiar, it felt good. Loki enjoyed at being troublesome.  
”Good future is a very subjective thing. But yes, there may be a great potential for that” Stephen sounded for so God damn pleased. That didn't feel right. Yes he had shown this timeline to Loki but it was Loki himself who had gotten to know this Thor. It was him who had sneaked to the cottage and made Thor love him again. It was all thanks to him, and maybe a little bit Thor himself, that the man wasn’t pathetic drunk anymore. Stephen had no right to look pleased. He had done absolutely nothing.  
”So it looks like you are really ready to stay, Loki of Thor’s.” Oh how Loki would hate that name If Thor ever would hear Stephen to call him like that. Idiot would gloat and insist that people would start to call him Loki’s own. Insufferable idiot. It was madness that he had chosen this reality but he was god of mischief after all.  
“Don’t be a fool. I’m not his.” The words sounded like a lie after their conversation earlier. Loki felt the strong arm around his hips, the warm breath against his neck.  
“Are you sure about that, Loki of Asgard, son of Odin and Frigga, mate of god of thunder? Well in any way, your name have gotten long in the years, friend of mine.” Maybe they had gotten to be friends at some point, maybe that was only an exaggeration. 

He didn’t raise from the bed or answered. Once again he summoned the bright stone in the room.  
“You insisted that I tell the truth. I paid my price. Now do your part, wizard.” He sounded bitter. Loki hated it when people tried to play with him. He hated demands and how he needed to obey those. It didn’t matter that this time it had been a useful thing to do. It was easier to feel calm beside Thor when he knew that Thor didn’t think that he was someone else. Stephen was still irritating, arrogant prick and Loki would never agree that he had been right. 

Stephen took the Tesseract while smiling. If the man wouldn't disappear soon, Loki would personally make sure that he had no reasons to smile anymore.  
“Enjoy your peace, Loki. Maybe someday you understand that you have earned it.” Stephen left soundlessly. It was an absurd thought that it had been so easy to make the decision. He was staying. The run had ended. 

Loki tried to close his eyes and find the sleep but the annoyance was too great.  
“You shouldn’t eavesdrop the private discussions.” The hand on his hip tightened and the familiar laugh tickled his neck.  
“This time you chose a terrible open place for your private discussion, brother dear.” Thor sounded so happy. How much he had heard? How much he even understood? Maybe for once enough.  
“I still can’t believe my luck. I thought that it would be more happiness I could endure to know that you are really alive. But now it looks like you have after all these years decided to stay beside me. Please tell me that this is not one of your lies, Loki. Please.” One moment Thor had sounded so happy and now he was sure that his brother was crying again. It was absurd that he wasn’t even drunk while being like this. 

Loki turned to face him. He had been right. Big tears were pouring and Thor looked at Loki like he could disappear at any moment. Loki laughed a little bit. He had just given up the Tesseract because of this man. Loki didn’t know which one of them was a bigger fool. He kissed his brother’s dry lips and tasted the tears.  
“Live long my king and you may see that even god of lies and mischief is capable of the truth.” It wasn’t a promise. Loki was tired of promising things that he betrayed without wanting. But for once there was a hope that this could be a timeline with a huge potential even for a person like Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's ready! This second chapter took a way longer than I wanted but I thought to write a short explanation what happened to Loki in the chapter one. I didn't plan to write over 7000 words about this. Well...I blame Loki.


End file.
